Welcome back to The Good Life, a newsletter about navigating our modern culture and staying sane in the process. This week, we are discussing children. Have you ever left the house worried that the stove or iron was still on? Then you rush home, only to find that nothing is on, but you are still relieved that you went home to check. Well, that’s what I dealt with this week when I realized the proverbial iron was on with one of our daughters.
Hey, Mom, You Left The Stove On
Lately, I have been feeling distant from one of my daughters. I’m around her all of the time, and yet I can’t shake the feeling that nothing I say is getting through to her. She’s always been a little bit more independent in the way she handles herself and her emotions, so it could be that. However, I know we are heading into the teenage years, and if it is something more, I want to nip it in the bud before it takes root.
It’s hard because there is a lot of emphasis right now on our oldest. Her high school schedule, with homecoming, class projects, the class rep race, and sports, feels all-encompassing. All of these things are extremely important and deserve my attention, but there are three other girls in my life who I equally care about and who need their mother to devote time to them.
Still, there are only so many hours in the day. Some days it’s easier to just pick the most critical item on the to-do list and focus on that while neglecting the others.
So, in my typical ‘never leave a stone unturned’ fashion, I created a plan to solve the seemingly brewing problem. Because I know our girls so well, I can see that what she really needs is my love and attention. And the beauty of not ignoring a problem until it metastasizes is being able to make small changes throughout several days to slowly turn the ship without them even realizing the boat is heading back to shore.
Over the weekend, my eldest daughter had yet another big project due for school. We also had soccer games for the younger three. Whoever creates the game schedules clearly doesn’t take into consideration parents with multiple children, and often books my daughters to play at the same time across town from each other. So my husband and I had to divide and conquer. I could have sent him to the daughter in question, but I knew that if I could sneak away and have a moment to be with her while tackling the trip to the craft store, it would create a moment where she felt my attention and love.
It seems simple, but that’s often the best solution. And not surprisingly, it worked.
I sat in my chair near the goal (she’s a goalie, but not just because no one ever wants to do it, she is so good at it that it gets my heart pumping every time I watch her). I like to be close because there is a snotty forward on her team who tries to control how she closes down the box. I like to shout encouragement that she can hear and give her someone to look for when she wants to celebrate. Then, when they switch at halftime, I drag my chair to the opposite side to repeat the process.
After the absolute beatdown her team gave their opponents, I made sure to be her biggest hypeman. “You only let one goal in! Those girls were coming for you, and you didn’t let them win, no matter how many times they tried!” I gave her some advice to prevent a similar goal from being scored, and then we started our afternoon itinerary, which was going to be a heavy emphasis on her older sister.
I planned to use every opportunity I could find to include her in the project. I asked her about color schemes and whether I should get hot glue versus Mod Podge. I discussed the pros and cons of each type of styrofoam with her. I even asked her if she thought the modeling clay would be too much or if we should really take the project to the next level.
I knew the answers to all of these questions. I didn’t need to discuss any of this with her, but that wasn’t really the point of this exercise. The purpose of including her was to create a moment that would have otherwise been all about her older sister, transforming it into a memory of her visiting the craft store and obtaining the positive affirmations she wanted.
On Sunday, after Mass and completing all the projects, homework, and preparations for the week, we ended the day as we always do by praying the rosary. But this time we prayed in our bedroom. My daughter placed her head on my lap while I scratched her back and combed her hair with my fingers. I could tell she didn’t want this moment to end (and neither did I), so after we were done and my husband instructed the girls to go upstairs to bed, I talked him into letting them watch the last quarter of the football game with us.
Again, it seems so simple, but the look she gave me as she smiled from ear to ear felt monumental.
The most important thing mothers can do when raising a family is to remember that their children need them. It’s challenging and exhausting, but it’s also the most beautiful gift to know that someone (or multiple someones) needs you so desperately. You are not replaceable to them.
Still, motherhood is not a balancing act, but rather an expert juggling act. Each time another ball gets thrown into the mix, mothers need to figure out a way to keep the others in the air.
I love my girls. I want them to know this with every fiber of their being. God created them for me to love, and I plan on doing that to the best of my ability until my dying breath.
WHAT I SAW THIS WEEK:
I feel like I can’t stay away from attacking The New York Times in my column for the Daily Caller recently, but honestly, I feel like the editors over there haven’t given me much of a choice. Especially when they publish pieces like divorce trends for Gen Z, and all of their examples are from women who are in weird relationships or work non-traditional jobs like sex writers. They even included as their feature “divorce,” a breakup of a non-married throuple. You can read about that and my thoughts on the cause HERE.
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