So, the day has come. You’ve deposed your father with the help of a scheming vizier and ascended to the throne. Or you’ve conquered swathes of Eurasia, taking wives and concubines from various territories. Or you’ve founded a financial technology company and then a space travel company and then acquired Twitter, now X.
If you checked “yes” to any of the above — or you’re aspiring to those heights — keep reading.
As Sultan/Khan/TechBro, you’ll be charged with oversight of vast operations, all the while managing advisers and adversaries who may seek your downfall in equal measure. But you are a Man Who Bends History To His Will. You are concerned with the petty management of present crises only insofar as they might impede your legacy. The establishment and preservation of your legacy is a nagging and everpresent thought.
Sure, your legacy is insured ever so slightly via your empire or your company. But, per Percy Shelley, the great works of today are the colossal wrecks of tomorrow.
Empires fall and companies do too. Walt Disney produced some of the finest films of the 20th century, his name once guaranteeing lightness and sweetness and beauty. Half a century or so after his death, the Walt Disney Company appears preoccupied with how many transgender storylines they can shove into a 5-minute animated short. The animated characters themselves are blobby and hideous.
The obvious solution to the problem of legacy is, in addition to producing great works, to produce great children. One or two will not suffice. Say your son falls out of a tree in early childhood and develops a nasty lump on his amygdala. Now, you have a serial killer. No good.
Or (and this is a more present danger in our times), say you give your son a phone at an early age. Say his no-good mother wins full custody. He starts watching porn — weirder and weirder porn. Or his mother starts dressing him in frilly dresses. Now, you have a tranny. I mean, a daughter. Bloodline over. Better luck next time.
You must play the odds. You must have many children. If you’re a Christian, or independently inclined towards monogamy, you’ll need to do this with one wife. (On paper, at least.)
As luck would have it, you’re not a Christian. You’re a Muslim, or a believer in a distant sky god, or a proponent of your own shoddily crafted Nietzschean-Autistic Moral Philosophy. You’re going to have many “wives” (women who give you children).
Building a harem isn’t without peril. Elon Musk has 14 children (of which we are aware). He’s currently dealing with a crisis situation in the form of Ashley St. Clair, who gave birth to one of Musk’s sons in 2024, and entered into a bitter public spat with Musk in 2025. Musk recently claimed he’d be filing for full custody of their son — but more on that, and how to avoid such catastrophes, later.
Welcome to Harem Building 101.
How do you choose your women? And how do you keep your delicately balanced web of baby mommas from tangling into a snarled knot?
STEP ONE: GET A GOOD EUNUCH
