Jeffrey Epstein jokes are not funny. It’s not funny that Epstein suggested Bill Gates contracted an STD from a Russian hooker. It’s not funny that Epstein was apparently reliant on a certain poop-inducing muffin, one of which he consumed every morning at half past six.
No, muffins are serious business. So serious that one of Epstein’s email buddies wrote a lengthy ode to their laxative properties. So serious that at least one of Epstein’s interlocutors asked his girlfriend, Karyna Shuliak, for the official Epstein muffin recipe, which Shuliak generously provided.
Out of scientific and personal curiosity, I decided to test out that muffin recipe. I cut Epstein’s recipe in half. It still yielded 12 large to extra-large muffins, so I’d recommend quartering the recipe, unless you’re having a party.
Anyhow, here’s the Epstein muffin recipe, exactly as described in the emails.
INGREDIENTS
For the muffin batter, you will need:
4 large eggs
1 cup olive oil
½ cup dark brown sugar
7 cups almond flour
4 cups whole milk
4 cups digestive bran
½ cup ground flax seed
½ cup whole flax seed
5 teaspoons baking soda
¼ teaspoon salt
1 cup raisins
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
For the topping:
Pecans
Walnuts
Sliced almonds
Whole flaxseed
Flaxseed meal
Eggs and milk should always be organic, Shuliak notes in another email, as should olive oil. No sugar is to go into the topping mix.
It strikes me as strange to prescribe just one teaspoon of vanilla extract for this many muffins. Second in strangeness is the ratio of wet to dry ingredients, which favors dry ingredients by a mile. You’ll notice, should you choose to make the Epstein muffins, that the mix is dry. Very dry. Expect a certain play doh like texture.
On to the assembly.
INSTRUCTIONS
The J.E.E. “Operating Manual“ provides instructions for assembling the muffins. This seems to be an earlier version of the recipe, which favors whole wheat flour over almond flour. I’ve updated the instructions from the J.E.E. “Operating Manual” with the ingredients listed in later emails.
Make topping mixture:
In a bowl, combine: equal amounts of pecans, walnuts, sliced almonds, whole flaxseed, and flaxseed meal.
Make muffin batter:
Preheat the oven to 350°F (177°C). Grease a large muffin tin with Pam Spray. (Pam Spray is specified in the Operating Manual; I used butter as I don’t own nonstick spray.)
In a large bowl, combine bran, almond flour, flax seeds, baking soda, and salt.
Beat eggs and dark brown sugar in the bowl of an electric mixer until thick and creamy.
Add olive oil to egg/sugar mixture, mix to combine.
Combine whole milk and vanilla, set aside.
Add flour and milk mixture to egg/sugar mixture, alternating additions until combined. Do NOT over beat mixture.
Add raisins and stir until incorporated.
Pour mixture into an airtight plastic container and store in the refrigerator for 24 hours before using.
When ready to bake:
Fill tins to the top with mixture and add topping mixture.
Bake at 350°F for 35-45 minutes.
Raw mixture will keep in the refrigerator for 30 days.
REVIEW
So, was it worth it?
