Welcome back to Good Life, a newsletter about navigating our modern culture and staying sane in the process. This week, a reader sent me down the rabbit hole of processing my husband’s medical crisis.
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I Want To Die First
One of my readers reached out to me after my last newsletter. She let me know that her husband also had a near-death experience that she hadn’t quite gotten over. It seemed comforting to her that we had this in common. This wasn’t in a callous way, like misery loves company. More that, when you are walking a hard but righteous path, it’s comforting to know someone is soldiering on with you.
But it got me thinking about why it has been so hard to get over this experience. I should be happy (which I am) that he is alive and back to being his old self. He didn’t let this change the way he operated at work or home. He recovered and went right back to being our protector and provider.
So what’s my problem?
We are young, and I never thought about what would happen if he were gone and never coming back. It’s a running joke that I want to die before him because the thought of having to live without seeing him give me that smile of his after I’ve said something slightly inappropriate but objectively funny makes my heart feel like it could rip in half.
Right now, I find myself stuck in this limbo period of being happy he is here, but also being scared that I almost lost him. How do you move on when you almost had to live without that?