Ignoring Evil Doesn't Make It Go Away
It would be much easier to turn a blind eye. But I am not built that way.
Welcome back to Good Life, a newsletter about navigating our modern culture and staying sane in the process. This week, we discuss the purpose of black and white parenting and why it’s important to use personal growth in parenting.
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Ignoring Evil Doesn’t Make It Go Away
Isa Ryan, author of “A Homemaker’s Manifesto” on Substack, put into perfect perspective why I parent our girls the way that I do.
“I grew up in an extremely promiscuous culture where it was frowned upon to wait until marriage for sex, and glorified to have casual sex,” Ryan said. “I’m not conservative because ‘I’ve never learned anything else.’ I’m conservative because I’ve lived the liberal life and found it wanting.”
I don’t want our girls to have the same life experiences I had, but I often feel conflicted about how to guide them toward the same outcome I have once they leave home.
I fully understand that you can’t shelter your children from everything. Eventually, they will leave your protection and be exposed to the evil you’ve kept out of their lives. And I don’t want to pretend that part of our world doesn’t exist. Instead, whenever I talk to our girls about something serious, whether it’s social or spiritual (which are often connected), I tell them that I’ve seen real evil in my life. My advice is always to prevent them from ever having to experience that.
I spoke about this a bit during Saturday’s newsletter. My daughter had been exposed to something through her friend that neither girl should be entertaining. I mainly focused on the “mom guilt” I felt during the parenting that took place, but I didn’t really go into why I feel so passionately about raising my daughters this way.
I’ve now lived both sides of the spectrum. Well, I wouldn’t go as far as saying I was a promiscuous liberal. However, I was certainly exposed to that behavior, and I excused it and often glorified it with my friends. Even if I weren’t fully participating, I would listen to their stories and laugh like a cackling hyena. I was an active participant in leading them down a path of disorder and loneliness.
I feel a lot of shame over doing this. I remember going to my high school reunion and reconnecting with an old friend a couple of years ago. She said I seemed different now and that she liked this version of me better. For years, I took this as an insult. I was just a girl who was silently suffering from pain that I never wanted anyone to know about. How could she say something so flippantly callous? But, she was right. I was different now.
Back then, I would make excuses for things I knew were objectively wrong. But I think God blessing me with four girls has given me the opportunity to correct these mistakes by mothering a new generation of women.
When I look my daughters in the eyes and tell them that I have seen evil in my life, they can see how serious I am. That’s why I knew that if I could just get through to her the moment she told me about the incident, I would be able to talk her out of entering that same cycle I was trapped in for years.
Of course, I worry about whether my black and white view of right and wrong will push them away while the teenage hormones are raging, but I understand that ultimately I have to risk that if I want to protect them.
Something that keeps me strong in my pursuit of this is knowing that, since they were born, I have cultivated a relationship built on trust. If I say that I am going to do something for them or with them, it’s going to be done. If I tell them there will be consequences for bad behavior, it’s happening. And if I tell them there will be a reward for something, they’ll get it. But now that they are older, it’s a deeper form of trust built on this foundation.
As teens and pre-teens, there is no topic that is off limits. If they are exposed to something they don’t understand, they can come to me without worrying. I think that’s why, when my daughter calmed down after I correctly explained that her laughing about this behavior was wrong, she thanked me.
Raising children this way isn’t for the faint of heart. It would be much easier to turn a blind eye to things most parents chalk up to being typical teenage responses. And I’d be lying if I didn’t sometimes wish I were capable of putting my head in the sand, pretending to be oblivious of what’s going on. But I am not built that way. I want them to know that I am always here to help. Ignoring that there is evil in this world vying for their attention only makes them feel like they are wandering through life untethered.
I cherish every moment that allows me to show them that they aren’t alone, even if it takes time to get there.
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