It's Hard Choosing Between Two Kids
I had to live with the decision I made. Even if I knew it might hurt her.
Welcome back to Good Life, a newsletter about navigating our modern culture and staying sane in the process. This week, I talk about choosing between two daughters.
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It’s Hard Choosing Between Two Kids
I have two daughters in the hunt for championships right now. One is in middle school, and the other is in high school. My husband is out of town for work this week, which means I am in the impossible position of being in two places at once.
While this isn’t the first time my older daughter’s team has been good enough to win it all, as a freshman, she’s playing on varsity for the first time. The game matters more. So I’m choosing to travel with her team to the regional finals rather than attend my younger daughter’s middle school game.
I’m not leaving her without a cheering section. My mother and stepfather are taking the girls to her game. I’ve told her that her only mission is to win. If they win, I’ll be able to see her play in the championship game later this week. And while I’ve been drilling this in her head for the last five days, I have also been honest with her about why I have to go to her older sister’s game.
Her older sister is no more important than she is, but the varsity game is more important than the middle school game. The stakes are higher and so are the accolades.
And while I’ve been incredibly intentional about how I’ve spoken about the games, because I don’t want her to think she is less than. I still worry about how she’s feeling about me not being at her game. I never want her to walk away feeling unimportant or unloved.
I am honest with her about the games, not to be cruel, but to give her something to look forward to when she gets older.
The rest of the moms and I have been working hard to prepare the locker room and entrance into the high school to showcase school spirit. While my daughter was at her club team’s practice over the weekend, her little sisters and I made posters to put up so they could see everything involved as much as possible. We are having lunch catered for them so they can have a “team lunch” before they leave for school, and each player will receive a gift bag filled with snacks and small gifts to mark their achievement.
To be honest, I felt like I was doing a good enough job trying to explain to her the “why” behind my decision, but you never really know how pre-teens (especially girls) are going to take disappointment, and I knew she wanted me at her game. But there was nothing I could do to make that happen this week, so the plan stayed the same, and I had to live with the decision I made. Even if I knew it might hurt her.
But in what felt like a little mercy to me, I got my answer as I walked my daughters and a group of younger boys into the locker room to help hang posters.
One of the middle school boys gazed at the decorations at the high school entrance in awe.
“Man, we are in the playoffs! I wish they’d do this for us too!” he said.
“Well, when you make it on varsity, you’ll have something to look forward to,” my daughter responded without missing a beat.
She looked over to me and winked after she said it. I immediately felt like she got it. This wasn’t a punishment for her, but a milestone to look forward to when she entered high school. And thankfully, she doesn’t see my choice as anything neglectful of her feelings. Instead, she wants me to go. If I were to stay home and watch her game, there would be no one there to cheer on her older sister. She doesn’t want that.
My older daughter’s middle school team made the playoffs every year, and we didn’t decorate their lockers or put up posters around the elementary school. Not because it wasn’t important, but because it was part of the culture of the school.
Looking back at it now, I’m glad we didn’t. It makes this playoff run feel so much more special.
I’ve never really liked the idea of making everything into a celebration because it diminishes the truly incredible moments of their lives, like a kindergarten graduation. There’s nothing special about matriculating up a grade at that age.
You haven’t worked hard and sacrificed for years to achieve anything. It’s really just a celebration for parents having trouble with the idea of their children getting older. And it’s not that allowing them in a cap and gown at 5 years old is somehow going to dampen their feelings when they graduate high school, but some things should be kept sacred.
There will be a time in my middle schooler’s life when a similar situation happens. I’ll have to be in two places at once, and she will have the more important event. She just unfortunately got the short end of the stick this week. She seems to understand that.
But I think this only works because our girls know we show up, and if we can’t be there in person, we send someone to stand in our place. They will never look into the crowd, worrying about whether they are supported. It’s understood that they aren’t alone.
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