Disclaimer: the following post is satire.
Dear Beheaders,
I want to say, in the first place, thank you. Thank you for your enlivening of local culture, for your joyful resistance to white hegemony, for all the little ways in which you enrich us.
There is the matter of the decapitations. I know, it’s a delicate subject. But a 30-something-year-old Sudanese man was arrested on suspicion of attempted murder following a “serious assault involving a knife” Monday night, according to the Police Service of Northern Ireland.
A video of the attack is circulating on social media. In it, a man ululating unintelligibly sits on another man’s chest, apparently trying to cut his head off. Or so witnesses to the event are screaming. The victim’s face is red with blood.
The attacker continues clinging to his victim, even as male witnesses rush in, smacking the attacker with a shovel.
The victim survived with “significant injuries to his face, neck and back,” according to police. He remains in the hospital.
The attack, in Prime Minister Keir Starmer’s words, was “horrific” and “sickening.”
“I have absolutely no tolerance for abhorrent scenes of violence like this on our streets,” Starmer continued.
My thoughts are first and foremost with the victim, and I thank the first responders, including members of the public who intervened.”
Starmer is right. The attack was terrible — because of the harm to the victim, sure, but more importantly, because the optics are terrible.
The likes of Rupert Lowe, leader of Restore Britain, have already begun using what was, admittedly, an attempted decapitation, for their own sick political ends.
“If a migrant comes to our country and attempts to saw a man’s head off in the street, a Restore Britain Government will not deport,” Lowe wrote Tuesday.
“With the British people’s approval, that savage will be put to death.”
Lowe added that Restore Britain “will deport millions” and put a stop to immigration “from countries that are proven to supply us with these monsters.”
Gavin Robinson, a member of parliament of the United Kingdom, claimed the suspect had been living in the U.K. under a five-year visa.
“Having abused the privilege of our nation, the perpetrator, living in the UK under a five-year visa, needs to be convicted and deported on the first flight out on a one-way ticket,” Robinson told the House of Commons, according to The Telegraph.
Dearest decapitators, don’t you see? Your preferred method of homicide is so … visceral. I don’t mean to urge you to assimilate, but couldn’t you tone it down just a tad? Then we could have a conversation about “knife crime,” which is vague and passive, rather than “migrant crime.”
I’m sorry if this feels harsh. But I assure you, the vast majority of British and Irish politicians share my concerns about optics.
Claire Hanna, leader of the Social Democratic and Labour Party in Northern Ireland, condemned those sharing the video of the attack: “The violence in North Belfast was horrific, the video will create fear and shock. No good will come of sharing it or of turning on each other in this society, including for the clout of online voices who don’t know or care about us and who offer absolutely nothing for the future.”
It’s true. No good will come of sharing the truth. For us, anyhow. Just look at the Henry Nowak bodycam video, which inspired massive upset.
Likewise, the Northern Ireland police encouraged the public not to “share or repost” images from the attack.
“Doing so risks causing further trauma to the injured man’s loved ones and may impact the ongoing investigation. Our thoughts remain with the victim’s family at this deeply distressing time,” assistant chief constable Ryan Henderson said in a statement.
Colum Eastwood, member of Parliament of the United Kingdom, wrote on X: “The horrific scenes in North Belfast should not be used by English, right wing politicians to further their own ends.”
Eastwood has a long history of advocating for social justice. He signed an “online book of condolence” for George Floyd in 2020, and memorialized Floyd on the one-year anniversary of Floyd’s death.
Right-wing Dutch political commentator Eva Vlaardingerbroek responded to Eastwood’s message, writing, “The left’s favorite fallacy: They claim right-wingers ‘use’ attacks like this to further our own ends. No. It’s because of attacks like these, that we ARE right-wing. The idea that we are secretly glad it’s happening so we can ‘further our agenda’ is the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard. We want this to stop. We want our people to be safe. And it’s because of leftist policies that they are not.”
Sure, this individual man’s safety was temporarily suspended. And, yes, Saudi Arabia is the only country in the world that primarily uses beheading to carry out executions. And yes, there is a long history of Islamists and immigrants from Islamic nations beheading Westerners.
But can we draw any general conclusions from those facts?
No. To do so would be evil.
Besides, we don’t know that the attacker had a religious motivation. Henderson said there is no indication that the attack was intended as a terrorist attack, according to CBC. Maybe the attacker was just having a bad day.
I’m reminded of the late Norm Macdonald’s most insightful tweet.
“What terrifies me is if ISIS were to detonate a nuclear device and kill 50 million Americans. Imagine the backlash against peaceful Muslims?”
Exactly. The scale of the backlash would be horrific. I urge you, beheaders: Help us by helping yourselves. Put down the knives.
In solidarity,
The Office of Communications for Decapitators, Rapists, and Murderers
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