Welcome back to Good Life, a newsletter about navigating our modern culture and staying sane in the process. This week, we discuss my recent trip to Sonoma and what it reminded me about marriage and family.
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I spent the last five days in California with my husband. One of my friends invited us to her wedding in Sonoma, and we decided to extend the trip on the backend into a mini vacation for the two of us. Having four children, each with activities that constantly control our schedule, plus both of us working, means that getting away just the two of us isn’t something we typically have time for.
What always surprises me when we get away like this is the adjustment period. I have a hard time letting go of the daily schedule. I have our days planned out so that each girl gets what she needs and where she needs to go. It’s often a divide-and-conquer situation, but they always have one of us there at their event for support.
I noticed this weekend that the well-oiled machine I’ve built is like a security blanket. I rely on checking those boxes to feel like each day has ended successfully. Without it, I feel like I am dropping the ball on something. This is probably why my husband has an easier time giving in to the relaxation of the vacation than I do. He had to keep reminding me to let go.
“Everything is going to be fine.”
This week was a great reminder that not only is he right that everything was truly fine, but also that he and I work in a beautiful balance with each other. While the schedule might be “my thing,” there are others he is in complete control of and worries about way more than I do. Still, he has this incredible ability to let go of that stress and live in the moment, which is much more difficult for me.
That’s why, as parents, it’s so important to take time away from the schedule and remember those parts of our relationship that can be lost in the day-to-day running of a family. It’s the relationship before we were blessed with our children that has to be nurtured.
I think we were lucky that the first two days were travel- and wedding-related, because having that helped create the distance I needed between me and my precious schedule.
Every time I travel to California, it’s hard not to marvel at its beauty. The areas outside of LA and San Francisco truly hold some of the most beautiful scenery our country has to offer. The Sonoma/Napa Valley area of the state reminds me so much of Europe, especially in the springtime because everything is so green and alive.
My husband and I both like a good bottle of wine, so naturally we scheduled several winery tours, which ended about how you’d expect. The trip consisted of eating delicious foods, paired perfectly with the different wines, and staring out at the rolling hills and mountain range that separated us from reality.
Outside of the obligatory “look how beautiful this is” conversation that took place at every location, we spent our time reliving earlier parts of our relationship and talking about what we want for the future. It was in these moments that any distance that had formed because of our busy lives melted away. It’s not like we ever mean to disconnect from each other or let the days blend together, as we do. It’s just a natural situation that most married couples with children find themselves in.
My husband has always been my protector. It was nice to relive those moments when we were just kids (I met him when I was 19) and to listen to him tell me the stories that are etched in my memory, but from his perspective.
One in particular is of the night I knew I would marry him. I wasn’t sure if he felt the same way about me because we weren’t even dating at the time. I knew he cared for me because it was hard not to see, but there was no reason to assume he felt as deeply as I did. But for the first time, 15 years later, I got to hear him tell the story from that night and explain how he had acted and responded to the situation because he knew he already loved me.
He told me how he knew he wanted to protect me for the rest of my life and how it shaped him. We talked about how he felt when we got married and when I told him I was pregnant with our first daughter, how those feelings he felt that night were similar to the ones he had felt two years earlier with me. He was going to love and protect her for the rest of her life.
It’s a relief to know that the memories that I hold on to in my heart were also moments that he cherished too.
So much of being a good parent rests on how happy your marriage is. Your children are calmer and less anxious when they know their parents are in love with each other. It gives them a sturdy foundation to land. Every once in a while, it’s important to reconnect. It doesn’t have to be over copious amounts of wine in Sonoma. Although I’d highly recommend it.
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