Our story begins in 1954. It was a big year for civil rights and condiments.
Steve Henson, a humble Nebraskan plumber, was contracted to the Alaskan bush, where he spent his days laying pipe and his evenings working in the kitchen. There, in frigid isolation, he invented ranch dressing, keeping his crew happy and probably a little fat. He later moved to California with his wife and opened a dude ranch called Hidden Valley. And as they say, the rest is history.
Some 72 years later, the U.S. is hosting the World Cup. Roughly 10 million fans from around the world are expected to travel here to watch. Instead of finding the dystopia they’ve been promised, many are discovering a country full of friendly people and great food. It’s the little things: barbecue, seafood boils, gas station hot dogs, manners, but above all else, ranch dressing.
World Cup fans are going absolutely ape sh*t for the boss of sauce.
So much so that TSA felt compelled to issue a statement (emphasis theirs):
“If you’re visiting for a very large sporting event & you happen to discover RANCH while you’re here… pls pack it in your CHECKED BAG on the way home. Thank you.”
Security bins are overflowing with ranch bottles.
Kraft is making travel-size ranch for World Cup travelers (ships in 7–10 business days outside the Condimental United States), according to ABC News. Fans are sacrificing suitcase space for it. Like I always say: clean underwear is temporary, ranch is forever.
One fan was asked, “What do you think you’ll take away from your visit here in the United States back to Germany?” Interpreting the question literally, he replied, “Ranch. I love ranch.”
Wunderbar!
The tourists are reminding us of the things we’ve stopped appreciating.
The Swedes are wearing cowboy hats. The Scots are drinking Boston’s bars dry. And the Saudis are contemplating democracy!
Okay, I made that last one up.
But the broader trend is real. On social media, tourists are posting apologies they feel they “owe” Americans. Others are recounting unexpected acts of hospitality, with locals ensuring they have a place to stay and something to eat.
I was expecting at least more than one annoying think piece on the subject. Legacy media, I have some ideas:
“The Dark Truth Behind The Ranch Dressing Obsession”
“Europeans Are Jealous Of Our Food But Not Of Our Oversized Bodies”
“The Hidden Cost Of Ranch: $200 Billion In Annual Heart Disease.”
But I think we all know ranch dressing has become more than a condiment (stay with me). It chips away at anti-American mythology. It’s a reminder that people are often far more alike than we think.
That isn’t to say we don’t have our political disagreements or our geopolitical tensions. We do.
But while Americans spend so much time arguing about one another, our visitors are leaving with cowboy hats, a newfound appreciation for this country, and enough ranch dressing to concern airport security.
The biggest difference isn’t political. It’s that we have ranch, and they do not.
The biggest similarity is that we all appreciate good food, good people, and good times.
So let’s forget the politics for a minute, and someone pass the ranch.
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