Welcome back to Good Life, a newsletter about navigating our modern culture and staying sane in the process. This week, we talk about husbands, masculinity, and marriage.
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A wife posted a video calling her husband the “gets it” guy because if she or her daughter wants anything, he just goes and gets it. People got irrationally upset by this. Apparently, it was emasculating, which struck me as odd, since the wife was clearly posting this not to make fun of him, but to praise him.
If you’ve been a longtime reader of this newsletter, you know that I live a pretty traditional life. My husband and I got married young. I was 22, and he was 24. We had four girls right away. We would have had more if it weren’t for medical reasons that made it impossible for me to continue. I stayed home with our babies until they were all school-aged, and only then did I start writing. I make it to every game and recital. I do all the school projects. And I am the one responsible for anything that needs to be baked, sewn, or hot-glued.
Even so, I say with complete respect and gratitude that my husband is also the “gets it” guy.
He is a strong, masculine man. He played rugby his whole life. He hunts. He is the breadwinner. If there is a problem in our lives, he is the first person we go to for help. He’s not always great at understanding the complex emotions that rule our five-women, one-man household, but he does his best to navigate the choppy waters.
I always say that there are two versions of him. One that the world gets to see, where he projects a conquering spirit. This version makes him excel at work and push through chaos. Then there’s the other that’s reserved for the people he loves most, like us, his girls. This one melts like butter when one of us bats our eyes, asking for a special treat after a long day. It’s the teddy bear side, where his main goal is to make our dreams come true. This doesn’t mean that he won’t call us out when we need it (trust me), but when we feel like the world is against us, we know it’s not really true because we can always count on him to be there, standing in the gap.
Our society treats masculinity as an all-or-nothing game. If you are a masculine male, then you can never give in to female whimsy. You aren’t charmed by women. In fact, you must act like you hate them or find them dumb. To love women is to admit you’ve been castrated and feminized.
I get that no man wants to be seen as weak, but I don’t believe that is what this woman meant when she talked about her husband. She was merely giving the world a peek inside what a normal, loving marriage looks like.
I was talking with my friends after my daughter’s volleyball game last night about how my husband always asks them if they need help with their bags. One mom in particular always brings a sports camera to record the games for her husband when he is traveling and can’t make it. It’s quite the setup and needs two different bags to carry everything. Last night was no different. He didn’t take no for an answer and started grabbing the bags off her shoulders. She commented that he’s always a gentleman, then asked how I trained him to do that. It caught me off guard, and I didn’t know how to respond, so I just laughed as we walked away.
I haven’t quit thinking about it since then. Did I really train him to do that? Was I the one who tamed the wild barbarian?
The answer is no. He’s been like this from the moment I met him. I have never known anything different. The more I thought about it, the more I wished I had said that. I can’t even remember the last time I had to carry in groceries or my chair to a game. Even when he’s out of town for work, he’s taught our girls that Momma doesn’t do that. I don’t even have to ask for help; they instinctively grab and go.
You could look at this situation with cynicism and say that he’s been whipped or that he has no control over his family. But you’d be missing the reality that his desire to fulfill those needs, like getting me an overpriced coffee or treating the girls to ice cream after a long day, is him displaying male protectionism.
Protection doesn’t stop at physical dangers or spiritual harm. There is a third that the manosphere often ignores for fear it might make them feminine. A good man will protect your emotional peace.
As our lives get busier and busier with the girls’ ever-growing schedule, it’s comforting to know that my husband is standing behind me, ready to be my “gets it” guy. Even when he is out of town, somehow he manages to be that man for me. And that deserves praise. Maybe if more women told stories about how well their husbands looked after them while they were in the throes of raising their children, the divide between the sexes wouldn’t be so vast.
It’s actually a major flex in our modern society for a woman to say that she can rely on her husband rather than projecting the image that he is an incompetent loser incapable of helping. We are told we need to be independent, not fragile or vulnerable. Even more so, we’re told we can’t depend on men. When the truth is actually that the strongest men I know–the ones who lead, protect, provide, and are faithful to their families– use their strength to turn their wives into the most delicate versions of themselves. They carve out opportunities to remind them that the world doesn’t sit on their shoulders. As their husband, they willingly carry that burden for them, with a smile on their face and a treat in their hand.
And just to drive this point home. After a couple of long days here, and without even knowing what I was going to write about today, my husband sent me a bouquet of my favorite flowers with a note reminding me that I am special and how much he loves me.
Please send any questions or comments about the newsletter to goodlife@dailycaller.com
Heard It Through The Grapevine:
Amber Duke’s recent piece on the Cornell rape story is incredibly important. The story immediately seemed fishy to me. Similar to Amber, I’m not sure which side is telling the truth, but growing up watching the Kavanaugh hearings and the MeToo movement, it’s hard not to wonder. She goes through it all. DEJA VU
I missed promoting Will Upton’s piece on AI, but I wanted to make sure that you read it. In general, I am distrustful of the AI space. I worry about what it will do to jobs and education for our girls, but I am also highly skeptical of the idea that they’ve built killer robots with the power to destroy all of humanity. Will does an excellent job walking you through the likely realities of a future with AI. Snake Oil, Artificial Intelligence, And The Probability Of Death
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I certainly enjoy you posts, especially the “gets it guy”. I am 88+ and was raised at a wonderful time, opening doors, standing up, etc.That did not feminize us. I retired from the USAF with over 28 yrs service , but the women in my life have me wrapped, even my 2 young Great Granddaughters. I don’t feel any less masculine in the way I treat them.