Welcome back to Good Life, a newsletter about navigating our modern culture and staying sane in the process. This week, I am discussing intentional parenting versus permissive parents and the right to call toddlers tyrants.
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Permissive parenting leads to kids whom no one can stand to be around.
If there is one piece of advice that I hate hearing parents give new moms and dads, it’s that you need to pick your battles. The idea that you need to negotiate with someone who has no idea how to behave, regulate their emotions, or go to the bathroom on their own has always felt disordered to me.
“Oh, but Mary, if you control everything, how are they going to learn to be independent?” Well, Carol, it certainly isn’t going to happen because I’ve allowed my daughter to wear her Elsa costume and sing ‘Let It Go’ at the top of her lungs in Mass. It’s my (and every parent’s) responsibility to show their kid the ropes. And it’s crucial that you make them follow the carefully cleared path in front of them, or they’ll wander off.
Because our society has become extremely anti-family, the knee-jerk reaction to someone contemplating parenthood is to tell them that it’s easier than it actually is to raise good children. The “good” part is the distinction here. It’s actually very easy to raise children. All you have to do is make sure they are bathed, well-fed, clothed, and educated. Under this definition, 99.9% of all parents are doing a great job. But there’s a much smaller percentage who understand that it takes a lot more than this to raise GOOD children, and that this level of care is not easy.
Parenting is all-encompassing. Not only do you have to meet the roof-over-their-head, clothes-on-their-back requirements, but you should raise children who people enjoy being around. It takes constant work.
And while it’s easier to tell parents to pick their battles than the truth. At the end of the day, it’s a lie that will lead them down a path of misery. Nothing is more devastating than the look on a parent’s face when a 3-year-old tyrant has defeated them.
I get in trouble with single adults who have no idea what it’s like raising children when I say that. “Oh my gosh, Mary, did you just call a toddler a tyrant?? How could you talk like that about a child?” Why, yes, because that person (no matter how young) has complete control over another human being with zero right to claim that power. What else would you call them?
What’s funny is that these same people, stuck in a room with a feral 3-year-old, will have no issue judging the parents for the bad behavior because there is something obviously wrong with the dynamic. Even without kids, you can see that a child yelling, hitting, or throwing a tantrum in public breaks the social compact. I am just willing to call a spade a spade.
Controlling the 3-year-old tyrant isn’t hard. All children need boundaries, and the reason they are acting out is that they aren’t given clear guidelines for how to behave. They feel dysregulated. The world is a big, scary place to a 3-year-old, and it’s borderline cruel to expect them to have the emotional or mental maturity to understand how to handle it without help.
That’s why parents are so important. It’s our responsibility to guide them. The early years are the hardest. I know everyone likes to joke that the teenage years are what turn your hair gray, but it’s really between the ages of one and five when most of the groundwork is laid. And while this doesn’t end until well into their teen years, if you were diligent in the early stages, by the time they go through puberty, it’s actually pretty enjoyable.
It’s all about trust. Because children have zero impulse control and problem-solving skills, they scream, hit, kick, cry anytime something doesn’t go their way. Sometimes these behaviors are unavoidable, especially when naptime is still an important part of their daily routine. Asking a tired toddler to sit quietly at a restaurant is a futile endeavor. But that also doesn’t mean you let them act however they want just because they skipped a nap. This is when elite parenting comes into play.
A permissive parent is one who sees their child is tired and hands them a device to occupy their mind so they can enjoy a quiet dinner. But all this does is melt your child’s brain while doing nothing to teach them how to behave in public. I always found it helpful to have a creative outlet for them to enjoy that is not overstimulating but still placates their volatile tendencies.
Coloring pages and crayons aren’t really great for this because most of the time they end up on the floor, or your child will draw on anything but the coloring book. Instead, a child’s version of a stress ball, something that stretches, flips, or turns without making noise, or an old school Etch-A-Sketch are elite in these situations.
But it’s key that you don’t give them the toy and proceed to ignore them. If you want them to learn to play quietly at the table while the adults are talking, it has to come from experience. You can’t expect them to know how to do it without first emulating what it means.
This goes for everything they do in life. If you want your kids to be good siblings, you have to tell them what that means and then be that in your own life. If you want your children to honor their parents, you have to honor yours as well. People have the hardest time grasping this part of parenting because it often doesn’t seem connected to the job, and it forces them to take a hard look at how they treat those around them.
When parents are told to negotiate with their children, it often leads to allowing behaviors that are unacceptable. And because it’s easier than fighting a tornado, it becomes the standard, not the exception. I wasn’t perfect, but I am glad I never fell into this trap. My kids are enjoyable to be around, don’t bully other kids at school, and excel in their classes. I can take them to the ballet, fine dining restaurants, and Mass without having to stress about how they’ll behave. I can trust my teenager not to act out when I am not around. My daughters’ teachers and other parents praise their helpfulness, kindness, and overall demeanor.
None of this is by accident. My husband and I worked long hours guiding them. We forcefully corrected their bad behavior and praised them profusely when they deserved it. We gave them plenty of attention and physical touch (hugs, snuggles, kisses, high-fives) to ground them in the safety of our family unit. They aren’t enjoyable to be around by accident. Intentional parenting got them here. It’s more work up front, but pays dividends on the back end.
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