Welcome back to Good Life, a newsletter about navigating our modern culture and staying sane in the process. This week, we’ll talk about what’s been going on behind the scenes in my family over the last month.
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Nothing reminds you more of how terrible it is not to live close to your family than when your sisters have babies. Two of my sisters had my latest nephews within 24 hours of each other in August. We all have big families now, with all the responsibilities that come with them, and it’s almost impossible, with the school year in full swing, to fly to the coast to see them.
One of my sisters was having her first. She texted me late on a Friday, explaining that she was in a lot of pain and didn’t know if she should go to labor and delivery or not. Of course, her husband was out of town on a preplanned trip. It’s one of those things that always seems to happen. You plan trips or important meetings thinking you are leaving with weeks to spare before the baby is supposed to come, and that’s when the baby, or in her case her body, decides it’s time.
Our whole family started preparing for the arrival of our latest nephew three weeks early. The doctors sent her home from the hospital Saturday but planned the induction for the following Monday. He was coming, which gave my brother-in-law plenty of time to change his flights and be back in time.
Simultaneously, my other sister started feeling labor pains. Her husband was also away at work. She waited until his brother and sister-in-law were able to come to watch their other children before going to the hospital. Sure enough, they checked her in, and she didn’t leave because her son had decided it was time. The only issue was that he would be arriving six weeks early.
I knew what this would mean. Our third daughter was also born six weeks early. He was going to have to spend some time in the NICU.
I think the hardest part about living so far away from them is that it’s not easy to get there. With four kids starting school the week they were delivering and my husband already set to travel that week, I had no one to help with my girls. My only option was to sit by my phone and wait. I could only give so much advice over the phone. I couldn’t help make them meals, clean the house, or watch the kids from here. I felt helpless.
My sisters and I have always been extremely close. Our childhood experiences bonded us in ways that aren’t easily broken. We fight like any other siblings, but nothing would keep us apart forever. This is especially true in times of crisis or celebration. The very moments we find ourselves in now. And yet it’s not a fight that’s keeping us apart, but physical distance. Knowing this has made the situation feel much harder to handle.
When our older sister moved away to college, we missed her, but I think we were too young to understand what it meant. I don’t think we fully comprehended that she would likely never move back home again. She met her husband up north, and that’s where they’ve stayed ever since, growing and raising their family. The rest of us stayed in Texas, but only for a little while. Then, two years after my husband and I got married and started our family, his job took us to Chicago. We moved back as quickly as possible, but not before one of my sisters left for medical school and my other left because her husband’s job took them to Virginia. My family left Texas again for a brief stint in Oklahoma before moving back home (hopefully) for the last time.
Of the six of us girls, three live in Texas, one in Pennsylvania, one in New Jersey, and one in Virginia. Only God knows the plans for our lives, so I don’t want to say never, but I don’t see a reality in which we all live within driving distance of each other ever again. It doesn’t feel natural. FaceTime and texting can only do so much to close the gap between our lives. I want to see them, love on their children, and grow old together. But even more than that, in times like these, I want to be there for them. I want to handle all my family obligations and theirs.
My little nephew, who spent the last couple of weeks in the NICU, is being discharged today. He’s had to overcome so much and still has a road to travel ahead of him, but he’s doing so well. My sister has been incredibly strong. I think it helps that her husband has a strong sense of duty to his family and that his mother and our mother have split time up there, helping to take care of the kids while they focus on their newest son. And while they have handled the hard situation they were dealt gracefully, that hasn’t stopped me from feeling guilty for not being closer.
The other night my girls and I were watching a movie together when my oldest saw the silent tears rolling down my cheeks. One of my sisters was telling us about the hard time she was having keeping her son fed. The other was telling us about the hurdles our little NICU nephew had to overcome before they’d let him come home, and she mentioned that another NICU mother had sisters visiting, which made her a little sad that we weren’t there. I got a little overwhelmed and needed to release the bottled-up emotions. She looked over at me and quickly came to my chair to hug me.
“Is everything ok? What happened?”
I just told her that I miss my sisters. There’s no need to worry her about any of the other stuff going on. I told her it’s hard being away from them when I know they need me.
Lately, I’ve been debating whether to stick to my hard-and-fast rule about not letting the girls go to college out of state, or be like every other parent and let them go wherever they want. It’s moments like these that make it undeniably clear that you should do everything in your power to keep your family living as close together as possible. Not just for the hard times, but for the good ones too. The normal Saturdays when you get to hear the cousins playing outside while you chit-chat away with your sisters. My two sisters who live close by and I get to experience so much life together, and for that I am eternally grateful. But it would be so much sweeter if all six of us could share those moments together.
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